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Good mediators often help by modeling good communication skills for their clients. #5 Good mediators must be good communicators. Mediators should not be awkward nor should they be dominating.
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There are lots of us and you should take the time to find someone who makes you feel steady, heard, and empowered. Bottom line, if the mediator sort of bugs you, don’t hire him or her. If you feel judged, misunderstood, cut-off, bossed around or closed down: find a different mediator. Call it what you want – trust, openness, neutrality, comfort – you should feel some of this stuff when you are interviewing a mediator. #4 You should feel some amount of good chemistry with the mediator. If you get stuck and start fighting, THEN call a mediator. Here’s what to do if you are divorcing and in fairly low conflict: go online and either start filling out the forms online (some states have their own online government filing website or there are online businesses that do this for every state) or search online for your state’s divorce forms, print them out and start filling them out. Most mediators will indeed take these cases and it is a waste of people’s money. Many lawyers tell prospective clients who are divorcing but have little conflict that they don’t need a lawyer and they should go find a mediator. #3 If you are in a situation such as divorce which is fairly amicable, you likely DO NOT need a mediator. Agendas are useful, but not if it keeps parties from discussing things that are very important to them. It is important that the mediator not stir up the conflict, that is, we should not be digging it up and forcing it to come out, but it is indeed our job to tend to any conflict that is present. They know that you cannot avoid conflict and have a high-quality process for the participants. Do they not know that when people are upset they ACT upset? Truly great mediators welcome conflict into the room. They tell people to calm down and to act respectfully. They set ground rules (like no interrupting) then police these rules (have you ever had a normal conversation and not been interrupted?) They make agendas and then keep people from veering off the agendas. These mediators believe the best way for them to help is to keep order in the room. Believe it or not, many mediators are actually conflict avoidant.
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#2 Mediators should be extremely comfortable around conflict. Lawyers might be capable lawyers and judges might be fair judges, but it is rare that either one is able to completely take off his/her advocate/judging hat to do what is required to be a great mediator: be neutral, nonjudgmental, and comfortable with conflict. It is common for lawyers and retired judges to do mediation. #1 Lawyers and judges rarely make great mediators. Here are some tips to help you succeed in finding someone really good: It should be relatively easy to come up with a short list to interview. First, make a list of three to five mediators by asking your friends and colleagues for referrals and search online for mediators in your area. Here are TEN TIPS to help you find the right mediator for you. What is a mediator supposed to be good at? How DO you hire a mediator? The problem is, hiring a mediator is confusing. It is entirely appropriate to hire a mediator, somebody who is neutral and who will help you through the conflict so that you can keep going to experience the calm you are looking for. Conflicts arise everyday at home, at work, with children, parents – it feels like the list of potential difficulties grows, not shrinks. We get divorced and strike up new relationships. We lose jobs, look for work, and have other employment changes. In our fifties, sixties and beyond, we still have difficulties with siblings. It is disappointing when we realize that we are still human and that somehow life has not magically become more Zen. As we get older we anticipate more calm and less conflict.